Alright, I got up at 8! Tomorrow's goal 7:30! I wish Folger's would get me out of bed in the morning like the commercials, but I don't drink coffee in the morning, nor do I drink black coffee. I drink frou frou coffee, more like milk flavored with coffee. Do you share the same feeling, that coffee never tastes like it smells?? My dad has brewed some aromatic coffee recently, but when I taste it, its like all coffee, coffee, and in goes the rice milk....vanilla rice milk makes coffee taste really good and tea too. I don't need to be awaken, I need to be dragged out of bed. I'm awake, I just love lying in my bed, way too long. I need something to jolt me out of bed, ah I shouldn't say that or I might wake up to earthquakes, but seriously, not seriously at all, what will make me get out of bed???? When I was younger, I wrote about how I got up in the morning wanting to live my life in spite of CF, how naive...ahaha no no I totally believe that, but for now it's just not enough.
That's what I've learned, even if I get everything I want, it will never be enough, that is why faith alone is enough, God's eternal presence and grace is enough, it won't disappoint. But even when I try to remind myself of that, recently it is not enough. You know, the Lord will never leave you, but knowing that Jesus is by my side is not that comforting when I just want to walk around somewhere fun and appear normal (aka not talking to myself). One step forward in my health, two steps back for my social life, I have tried not to talk about others on here, but lets face it, there really hasn't been anyone to talk about! (aahh why did I move?!?!) And I didn't want to appear that pathetic, some sickly girl who is upset about her disease taking over her life and she has no friends, Next blog....I mean I have awesome close friends that live far away. We keep up with all the important friend stuff, I'm complaining about the hanging out friend. Which as I get older am realizing they don't easily exist, everyone is busy, busy, busy or they are dating someone. My love life could be summed up with the Christmas carol, Silent Night and I have a great job, one that doesn't require all of my energy! Oh the blessing of being an only child too, I don't even have family to force to hang out with me, I'm over my parents at the moment, that's why this blog works so well, I have time to think of all the time I shouldn't have!
Part of me blames myself, I'm not the best at letting people get close to me. I definitely play a role in not being a good friend as well. I get what I give, my introverted, noncontroversial ways are preventing me from livin' it up on the weekends, I am scared or discouraged to call some people because they are always too busy, too tired, too whatever. I know, I know I have to put myself out there and just keep trying. But I'm sorry, I'm going to play weak for a moment, I don't have a lot to give! It takes a lot for me to extend myself over and over. When I'm not feeling good, I don't mind being by myself. I actually prefer that no one calls because then I don't have to tell someone I'm sick and sound pitiful. But it seems no one calls when I am feeling good. It's like I'm in this cycle, I feel good so I plan and hang out with people, then I don't feel so good, or I want people to call me, because I'm unsure if I should keep calling them, so I drop the ball and then when I feel good, I can't pick the ball back up.
I'm not the best at being there for someone, which I blame CF. I've allowed it to make me feel I can't plan far ahead or that I have to think of my health first. So this is where all this is coming from (congratulations for reading this far) how I've let CF come first alot and not thinking how to put others first sometimes. I'm afraid more of living, of engaging with people because CF could take it all away. My thoughts about who would want to be friends with me creep in. I think how hard it must be to be my friend. Why would someone want to be my friend after reading this blog. Then this consumes my mind so I can't concentrate on other things. I thought I had let all this frustration go, but it just all came back today... I'll be fine soon, I know it will all sort itself out, ok I'm done venting. Um now I don't know how to end this, oh, today I choose to go to a point on the beach called Inspiration point, I needed that space! Hearing the waves crash against the rocks, the birds flying and the bell from a distance buoy helped me appreciate all that I do have and I continued to let it all go, so this post was a note written and placed in a bottle ready to be thrown in the sea or the internet. And bonus, I walked up this path with out getting out of breathe. I realized the last time I attempted that climb was last spring sometime and it was not fun! I have come along away and its not over yet, its a journey, some times a path for one and other times a path for many.
