Hello again!
Reopening this blog after months of silence is a joyful and painful occasion. I write now as a person who has rediscovered herself. I was living as someone I wanted to be not accepting who I was. Not to say before I didn't write from my heart, now I just truly know what my heart is telling me. I have grown to love the journey not rushing to get the final results.
I've thought often of this blog, wanting to write about triumphs and sorrows but I was conflicted. Concerned I was sharing too much I just stopped. I turned this outlet off. A common action I take with relationships or activities in general. I stop before I can get hurt or experience great joy. I ride close to the edge only dreaming of freedom. I couldn't write what was in my head because it was laced with whiny complaints and confusion. I could barely make sense of what was upsetting me. So I closed myself in to deal with feelings and thoughts about living a life with CF.
Since January my main goal has been to work on relationships. The most important one was with myself. I had to deal with the reality that I was still alive. I finally looked myself in the mirror and said girl you are alive, you can do this! I realized for over 2 years I was unconsciously preparing to die. My whole world of perceptions of how the world works, what CF is and who I was shattered in front of me. I learned there isn't ONE way to live. I had to learn to live a life I didn't plan on living. As a coping mechanism I wouldn't allow myself to think about life as an adult. I was always very careful to talk about the future in very vague terms. Thinking about a career or a marriage and family were shallow figments of my imagination. Essentially I had worked my whole childhood to make it to adulthood not preparing what I would do when I got there. It was just important to get there. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean the work doesn't stop there, it begins in a whole new direction.
A new direction is where my family was headed at the beginning of this year. Each of my family members were all dealing with major health issues and to respect their privacy I didn't know how to separate my life and thoughts about dealing with them. I was angry, disgusted, upset they were suffering because I am the one with the terminal illness, I shoulder the health problems not them! Other issues of family matters and business came into play and I needed to not regret something that I wrote. It was a true test of my character and faith. I wasn't proud of a lot of reactions to what happened. I will reflect and draw from past experiences but for know I'm glad I didn't post what I was thinking because sometimes the truth hurts.
I look forward to writing, something that gives me great joy especially when I am vulnerable.
So the light is back on for the girl next door!
I've thought often of this blog, wanting to write about triumphs and sorrows but I was conflicted. Concerned I was sharing too much I just stopped. I turned this outlet off. A common action I take with relationships or activities in general. I stop before I can get hurt or experience great joy. I ride close to the edge only dreaming of freedom. I couldn't write what was in my head because it was laced with whiny complaints and confusion. I could barely make sense of what was upsetting me. So I closed myself in to deal with feelings and thoughts about living a life with CF.
Since January my main goal has been to work on relationships. The most important one was with myself. I had to deal with the reality that I was still alive. I finally looked myself in the mirror and said girl you are alive, you can do this! I realized for over 2 years I was unconsciously preparing to die. My whole world of perceptions of how the world works, what CF is and who I was shattered in front of me. I learned there isn't ONE way to live. I had to learn to live a life I didn't plan on living. As a coping mechanism I wouldn't allow myself to think about life as an adult. I was always very careful to talk about the future in very vague terms. Thinking about a career or a marriage and family were shallow figments of my imagination. Essentially I had worked my whole childhood to make it to adulthood not preparing what I would do when I got there. It was just important to get there. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean the work doesn't stop there, it begins in a whole new direction.
A new direction is where my family was headed at the beginning of this year. Each of my family members were all dealing with major health issues and to respect their privacy I didn't know how to separate my life and thoughts about dealing with them. I was angry, disgusted, upset they were suffering because I am the one with the terminal illness, I shoulder the health problems not them! Other issues of family matters and business came into play and I needed to not regret something that I wrote. It was a true test of my character and faith. I wasn't proud of a lot of reactions to what happened. I will reflect and draw from past experiences but for know I'm glad I didn't post what I was thinking because sometimes the truth hurts.
I look forward to writing, something that gives me great joy especially when I am vulnerable.
So the light is back on for the girl next door!