Bittersweet
Being in control of a situation or at least having a sense of control helps determine mood. If you have an idea how to follow a situation to your set destination the better your mood. I woke up this morning with a total sense of control. My routine was a little different. I ate breakfast right away, got ready and went to a yoga class at 9:30 am. Then I came home made myself a protein/fruit smoothie, showered and dressed for work. Then I realized I needed to do a breathing treatment. I don't know if I needed one, but what can it hurt. I need to do some research because I know of CFers who are hard core exercisers and they don't do as many vest treatments. It would sure help with time!
This feeling of control came about from a meeting I had yesterday about my diet plan. I was just diagnosed with Gluten-intolerance, better known as Celiac's Disease.....things just keep piling on! I'll discuss this later because I'm going to get off point, the meeting was about how to go gluten free, how I can gain weight and enjoy eating again. The main thing, I have to be awake more than 12 hours! So we set an eating schedule and started a weeks worth of meals. Last night I read through all the material my endocrinologists and this lifestyle educator gave me. Bottom line, I need to become an Indian/Asian cook. Forget my American/European decent, wheat, corn and potatoes are out. (wheat because of allergy, corn is an allergy of mine and your body doesn't fully absorb it, white potatoes = mucus forming) I need to eat legumes, other exotic grains and rice instead. I like the sound of that. Immediately, thinking about eating the way they want me to eat seemed enjoyable and I looked forward to trying it out. That just proved to me that I must know what is bad for me. I've never liked bread products so I guess I always knew. I was put in control, I was given a plan and I agreed with it.
Then I went down stairs to prepare my lunch. I was planning tuna salad with half of an avocado, cooked green beans with olive oil and some left over vegetarian chili. Not 5 seconds before I sat down to eat, I had one of those horrific coughing attacks, the one that leaves me gaging and if I can't get myself under control I throw up. Some stuff came up, but I was able to swallow it, oh gross I don't like retelling this. Anyway, I just started screaming. Which seemed to actually clear my throat and nasal passages of mucus because I calmed down. I just let myself go and didn't hold in that I was upset about what happened. I kind of liked screaming, releasing that tension of being upset I was coughing and about to throw up. It was my body responding to me believing I had just lost control. I calmed myself down and reassured my mother that what she just experienced was a good thing. I then proceeded to eat, I don't know how I did this. I've been having these really hard coughing attacks for several months and having my gag reflex engaged where I have been vomiting has definitely turned me off to food. But I looked at it as I need this, this is the time I have reserved and I can do this. Back in control, destination set, GO.
It is good to have a set course because things are going to come your way and to handle them you just need to remember you have a plan. No one was promised a smooth ride. A packaged arrived for me, oh joy, oh no, it was the inhaled antibiotics....(Dun, Dun, Dun) I've avoided using them all my life. For the past 2 years the CF clinic has pushed them on me and this time they broke through. Inhaled antibiotics are used for 28 days and then stopped for 28 days. They control the ever present bacteria in my lungs. They reduce the risk of random infections and the CF Clinic believes will help guard my lungs against my sinuses. Agreed, but now lets exam the down side and my number one fear: too much drug dependency. Using antibiotics long term, causes bacterial resistance. The bacteria gets smarter, you have to use more extreme measures every time. The 28 days on, I'll feel great, the 28 days off, I'm concerned I will feel awful. This should be a gradual thing, but since dealing with extreme situations, extreme good, comes with extreme bad. The inhaled antibiotics are just going to make my system dumb, non responsive. And I'll go there, another freaking 20 minutes will be added to my breathing treatments. I want something to protect my lungs because I'm tired of being paranoid that every little thing is going to make me sick. And here is where I'm stuck, on my plan with managing CF, I acknowledge it will get worse, I will need more treatments and medical aid. What I think I have a lot of control over, is the timing, how long I can put it off. For the past 2 years I've experienced a worsening of CF and I have lost some lung function. So the CF Clinic is drawing the route with antibiotics to help preserve the lung function I have. I am still thinking I can do what I can do drug free with exercise, breathing treatments and having my endocrine system sorted out, which should alleviate my sinus problems. Because I believe my CF symptoms got worse not because of CF but because of inflammation in my body aka allergies. I just go back and forth on taking inhaled antibiotics. I keep going back to they are not a good idea at the moment. Although my lung function is vital, that is where the toss up is, preserve lung function or preserve my sanity. AHHH, I can't figure out the course, I don't know what will happen, it ads another factor, in my opinion a bad one. I just don't know, I can't be completely comfortable with taking them, but I think I have too. Am I making the right turn, only when I get to my desired destination will I really know.
This feeling of control came about from a meeting I had yesterday about my diet plan. I was just diagnosed with Gluten-intolerance, better known as Celiac's Disease.....things just keep piling on! I'll discuss this later because I'm going to get off point, the meeting was about how to go gluten free, how I can gain weight and enjoy eating again. The main thing, I have to be awake more than 12 hours! So we set an eating schedule and started a weeks worth of meals. Last night I read through all the material my endocrinologists and this lifestyle educator gave me. Bottom line, I need to become an Indian/Asian cook. Forget my American/European decent, wheat, corn and potatoes are out. (wheat because of allergy, corn is an allergy of mine and your body doesn't fully absorb it, white potatoes = mucus forming) I need to eat legumes, other exotic grains and rice instead. I like the sound of that. Immediately, thinking about eating the way they want me to eat seemed enjoyable and I looked forward to trying it out. That just proved to me that I must know what is bad for me. I've never liked bread products so I guess I always knew. I was put in control, I was given a plan and I agreed with it.
Then I went down stairs to prepare my lunch. I was planning tuna salad with half of an avocado, cooked green beans with olive oil and some left over vegetarian chili. Not 5 seconds before I sat down to eat, I had one of those horrific coughing attacks, the one that leaves me gaging and if I can't get myself under control I throw up. Some stuff came up, but I was able to swallow it, oh gross I don't like retelling this. Anyway, I just started screaming. Which seemed to actually clear my throat and nasal passages of mucus because I calmed down. I just let myself go and didn't hold in that I was upset about what happened. I kind of liked screaming, releasing that tension of being upset I was coughing and about to throw up. It was my body responding to me believing I had just lost control. I calmed myself down and reassured my mother that what she just experienced was a good thing. I then proceeded to eat, I don't know how I did this. I've been having these really hard coughing attacks for several months and having my gag reflex engaged where I have been vomiting has definitely turned me off to food. But I looked at it as I need this, this is the time I have reserved and I can do this. Back in control, destination set, GO.
It is good to have a set course because things are going to come your way and to handle them you just need to remember you have a plan. No one was promised a smooth ride. A packaged arrived for me, oh joy, oh no, it was the inhaled antibiotics....(Dun, Dun, Dun) I've avoided using them all my life. For the past 2 years the CF clinic has pushed them on me and this time they broke through. Inhaled antibiotics are used for 28 days and then stopped for 28 days. They control the ever present bacteria in my lungs. They reduce the risk of random infections and the CF Clinic believes will help guard my lungs against my sinuses. Agreed, but now lets exam the down side and my number one fear: too much drug dependency. Using antibiotics long term, causes bacterial resistance. The bacteria gets smarter, you have to use more extreme measures every time. The 28 days on, I'll feel great, the 28 days off, I'm concerned I will feel awful. This should be a gradual thing, but since dealing with extreme situations, extreme good, comes with extreme bad. The inhaled antibiotics are just going to make my system dumb, non responsive. And I'll go there, another freaking 20 minutes will be added to my breathing treatments. I want something to protect my lungs because I'm tired of being paranoid that every little thing is going to make me sick. And here is where I'm stuck, on my plan with managing CF, I acknowledge it will get worse, I will need more treatments and medical aid. What I think I have a lot of control over, is the timing, how long I can put it off. For the past 2 years I've experienced a worsening of CF and I have lost some lung function. So the CF Clinic is drawing the route with antibiotics to help preserve the lung function I have. I am still thinking I can do what I can do drug free with exercise, breathing treatments and having my endocrine system sorted out, which should alleviate my sinus problems. Because I believe my CF symptoms got worse not because of CF but because of inflammation in my body aka allergies. I just go back and forth on taking inhaled antibiotics. I keep going back to they are not a good idea at the moment. Although my lung function is vital, that is where the toss up is, preserve lung function or preserve my sanity. AHHH, I can't figure out the course, I don't know what will happen, it ads another factor, in my opinion a bad one. I just don't know, I can't be completely comfortable with taking them, but I think I have too. Am I making the right turn, only when I get to my desired destination will I really know.