Blood, Mucus, and Tears
This past week and a half has been a mess. I've been avoiding talking about it on here, but then realized that was the whole point of me starting a blog was to get stuff out. It all started last week while I was swimming on Tuesday, I coughed up some liquid blood. I immediately got out of the pool and went home. I then proceeded to only do my nebulized medicines and no Hyper- Sal, because it is irritating and stopped my vest for 24 hours. Coughing up blood is one of the strangest experiences. It represents life and the color just screams that at you. Blood is fascinating at how it rushes through your body feeding and fixing it. Yet it is suppose to be inside your body and when its not, life is escaping, its the signal something is wrong. The main reason I cough up blood is I've cleared a blockage and disrupted the blood vessels or lung disease has worn the lining down and made the area sensitive. It is only a matter of emergency when I can't stop coughing up blood. Usually, I cough up really small amounts and I am able to stop my coughing so I don't further irritate it. Of course this just set me off into a downward spiral of anger and depression. For the next couple of days I was coughing up mucus with pink and red spots which caused me to be even more upset. It was really strange how hopeless I became and I blame it on not having enough oxygen. My mind wouldn't stop with doom and disaster scenarios. Okay, okay I'll say it, that I have a life threatening disease and it sucks dealing with it especially when it is getting worse...I can feel mad about it and its okay (yuck I hate being depressing)
I went to Yoga on Thursday which was really good to feel my breathe be strong again, but I was coughing a lot. I had a friend coming into town for the weekend and I wanted to be well to enjoy our time together. We were suppose to go to our school's homecoming football game, but I was having panic attacks about how I could be exposed to swine flu, because no vaccine for me. I was just going back and forth on the risks and how I should just screw it all and go live my life. It is a constant battle of how much I should expose myself to the general population this time of year verse how much living I should be doing. I ended up not going to the game, which was a good decision because then I wasn't stressed and I got to hang out with a friend that really needed me. It was a horrible game, we lost and I would have felt worse if I was actually there. On Sunday I got so tired and wasn't breathing well so I wasn't that much fun to hang out with. I hated coughing around my friend even though she could care less, well unless it interferes with sleep. I just don't like coughing around other people. I like to put a lot of effort into it while doing my treatment but not when someone is basically watching me. My treatment time is really my me time.
After she left, I needed to recharge my batteries because it is exhausting having someone around 24-7 for an introvert like me. The week was fine until yesterday when I woke up with the worst chest pain in my lower right lobe of my lung. It was debilitating. I sat with a heating pad on my chest and took some Motrin all morning. I've had pain like this before but never this severe. The pain can be attributed to irritation of clearing out an area or the lining of the lungs rubbing together. Also, I could have a fracture....You literally can cough so hard that you can cause tiny fractures in your ribs. So I just slept the rest of the day so I could go to my Church's small group Thanksgiving dinner last night. It was sooo good. The evening was just what I needed to get my mind off my disaster of a life right now. I got really excited for Thanksgiving next week. It began to change my attitude that I have a lot to be thankful for. Events like I experienced this past week pale in comparison to some of the great things in my life. It was really hard to focus on that this past week, but getting through it makes me want to move forward and not get stuck in a sick-pity pit.
I went to Yoga on Thursday which was really good to feel my breathe be strong again, but I was coughing a lot. I had a friend coming into town for the weekend and I wanted to be well to enjoy our time together. We were suppose to go to our school's homecoming football game, but I was having panic attacks about how I could be exposed to swine flu, because no vaccine for me. I was just going back and forth on the risks and how I should just screw it all and go live my life. It is a constant battle of how much I should expose myself to the general population this time of year verse how much living I should be doing. I ended up not going to the game, which was a good decision because then I wasn't stressed and I got to hang out with a friend that really needed me. It was a horrible game, we lost and I would have felt worse if I was actually there. On Sunday I got so tired and wasn't breathing well so I wasn't that much fun to hang out with. I hated coughing around my friend even though she could care less, well unless it interferes with sleep. I just don't like coughing around other people. I like to put a lot of effort into it while doing my treatment but not when someone is basically watching me. My treatment time is really my me time.
After she left, I needed to recharge my batteries because it is exhausting having someone around 24-7 for an introvert like me. The week was fine until yesterday when I woke up with the worst chest pain in my lower right lobe of my lung. It was debilitating. I sat with a heating pad on my chest and took some Motrin all morning. I've had pain like this before but never this severe. The pain can be attributed to irritation of clearing out an area or the lining of the lungs rubbing together. Also, I could have a fracture....You literally can cough so hard that you can cause tiny fractures in your ribs. So I just slept the rest of the day so I could go to my Church's small group Thanksgiving dinner last night. It was sooo good. The evening was just what I needed to get my mind off my disaster of a life right now. I got really excited for Thanksgiving next week. It began to change my attitude that I have a lot to be thankful for. Events like I experienced this past week pale in comparison to some of the great things in my life. It was really hard to focus on that this past week, but getting through it makes me want to move forward and not get stuck in a sick-pity pit.