I'm Back!!
Hello people out there! I have returned to writing after not wanting to replay the drama that has been my life. There was no joy in writing on here because I felt out of control. Since my last post I have felt like the character in the movie where nothing goes right for them. This can be very comical but I just didn't have the energy to see any humor in my situation. I'll give you a laundry list of the situations I faced to know where I'm coming from and then lets look forward because I think I've made it out of the slipping on the bad health banana peel routine for now.
1. By the end of February my CF doctors wanted me to go on anti-depressants. They said I was situationally depressed and I was harming my lung function. (This is a topic I want to address more in depth later.) It freaked me out, I agreed to see a therapist first and then be evaluated for taking mind bending drugs.
2. When I last wrote I had finished up 5 weeks of oral steroids which got rid of the tightness in my lungs, allowing me to cough more freely. However, steroids suppress the immune system and I got a nasty sinus infection, irritated my lungs, and I was put on Cipro. I felt so sleepy and moody. I slept a lot. Those 2 weeks are literally foggy to me.
3. Still at my lowest weight in over 5 years, 112 lbs. I had dropped a total of 20 lbs in less than six months and several months with no weight gain. I just didn't have the urge to eat, I was coughing so hard, vomiting when I coughed. Most of that went away after the antibiotics, but when you sleep more hours than you're awake its hard to fit in a feast.
4. Various lung, muscle, nerve, rib pains, twice that I can recall, debilitated me for a day. Usually after exercise, which I was becoming consistent at.
5. I didn't want to share my female problems but what has happened has been absurd. I haven't had a period since November, due to weight lost and stress on my body. We tried twice to 'jump-start' my period with progesterone, which failed both times. Tests now show my body isn't producing enough estrogen so there is no lining being built up, therefore no period. I'm semi-grateful for this vacation, but I feel abnormal, like something is missing every month. A combo of hormones will get that all restarted hopefully in a month or two. The main reason amenorrhea (I love this fancy term for period lost... a men or three ya) is serious because of bone mass lost due to lack of estrogen. I've secretly wished I wouldn't have a period because it is a waste of time for me, I don't plan on having children. I'm a little skeptic because I believe hormones before f'ed up my lungs (I'm pissed off at taking birth control for acne in the first place, I think it caused the change in my lungs this past year)
6. Appetite enhancers were given to me by the Clinic as a no other options solution to weight lost. They were upset I wouldn't be on anti-depressants, my out of balance hormones and continual low FEV1 is all a result of me not gaining weight back fast enough. After one week on them, I do love them. I eat so much more at meals and I want to snack. Strange how my mind has such power, that I literally was telling myself I wasn't hungry.
7. Counseling, I couldn't verbalize why I needed it or what I wanted to discuss at first. Saw it as just another appointment I had to make. Have I mentioned I have gone to the CF clinic every month this year? Now I see I am making some progress because it is a safe place where I get to talk without worrying what she thinks of me, or saving time to talk about her. I don't have to worry about sounding like an awful broken record, complaining how CF is ruining my life, when there is really no reason too because that isn't going to help it go away. Its kind of why I stopped writing because I wanted to say everything was fine. I didn't want to recognize that literally every week I was faced with a new way that my body was crumbling before me. That I was spending more time at the pharmacy, in a waiting room or reviewing results more than I was spending with my friends. I've met a threshold of CF that I haven't fully accepted yet and it is going to take sometime with my being okay with it.
And that's all she wrote folks!
PS - Last week I broke out in shingles....a virus that stays dormant in your system from having chicken pox that usually shows up after you're 60. But if you suffer a high stress situation or trauma or a very week immune system, there is a slight change of developing shingles. Ding, ding, I got the magic situation! It was a mild case, the blisters form along a nerve from your spine that goes around your torso. I got on anti-viral medicine and they started to dry up and scab immediately. Stress is a nasty thing.
1. By the end of February my CF doctors wanted me to go on anti-depressants. They said I was situationally depressed and I was harming my lung function. (This is a topic I want to address more in depth later.) It freaked me out, I agreed to see a therapist first and then be evaluated for taking mind bending drugs.
2. When I last wrote I had finished up 5 weeks of oral steroids which got rid of the tightness in my lungs, allowing me to cough more freely. However, steroids suppress the immune system and I got a nasty sinus infection, irritated my lungs, and I was put on Cipro. I felt so sleepy and moody. I slept a lot. Those 2 weeks are literally foggy to me.
3. Still at my lowest weight in over 5 years, 112 lbs. I had dropped a total of 20 lbs in less than six months and several months with no weight gain. I just didn't have the urge to eat, I was coughing so hard, vomiting when I coughed. Most of that went away after the antibiotics, but when you sleep more hours than you're awake its hard to fit in a feast.
4. Various lung, muscle, nerve, rib pains, twice that I can recall, debilitated me for a day. Usually after exercise, which I was becoming consistent at.
5. I didn't want to share my female problems but what has happened has been absurd. I haven't had a period since November, due to weight lost and stress on my body. We tried twice to 'jump-start' my period with progesterone, which failed both times. Tests now show my body isn't producing enough estrogen so there is no lining being built up, therefore no period. I'm semi-grateful for this vacation, but I feel abnormal, like something is missing every month. A combo of hormones will get that all restarted hopefully in a month or two. The main reason amenorrhea (I love this fancy term for period lost... a men or three ya) is serious because of bone mass lost due to lack of estrogen. I've secretly wished I wouldn't have a period because it is a waste of time for me, I don't plan on having children. I'm a little skeptic because I believe hormones before f'ed up my lungs (I'm pissed off at taking birth control for acne in the first place, I think it caused the change in my lungs this past year)
6. Appetite enhancers were given to me by the Clinic as a no other options solution to weight lost. They were upset I wouldn't be on anti-depressants, my out of balance hormones and continual low FEV1 is all a result of me not gaining weight back fast enough. After one week on them, I do love them. I eat so much more at meals and I want to snack. Strange how my mind has such power, that I literally was telling myself I wasn't hungry.
7. Counseling, I couldn't verbalize why I needed it or what I wanted to discuss at first. Saw it as just another appointment I had to make. Have I mentioned I have gone to the CF clinic every month this year? Now I see I am making some progress because it is a safe place where I get to talk without worrying what she thinks of me, or saving time to talk about her. I don't have to worry about sounding like an awful broken record, complaining how CF is ruining my life, when there is really no reason too because that isn't going to help it go away. Its kind of why I stopped writing because I wanted to say everything was fine. I didn't want to recognize that literally every week I was faced with a new way that my body was crumbling before me. That I was spending more time at the pharmacy, in a waiting room or reviewing results more than I was spending with my friends. I've met a threshold of CF that I haven't fully accepted yet and it is going to take sometime with my being okay with it.
And that's all she wrote folks!
PS - Last week I broke out in shingles....a virus that stays dormant in your system from having chicken pox that usually shows up after you're 60. But if you suffer a high stress situation or trauma or a very week immune system, there is a slight change of developing shingles. Ding, ding, I got the magic situation! It was a mild case, the blisters form along a nerve from your spine that goes around your torso. I got on anti-viral medicine and they started to dry up and scab immediately. Stress is a nasty thing.