Not handling anything well right now....
I've stormed off to my room after yelling and causing a big upset....I'm an evil daughter. I was looking forward to writing a Christmas recap because I have quite a funny tale, but that my friends won't calm my aggravated nerves, it won't change my bad attitude, it will just keep what is inside boiling longer, instead I rant. Side note, I've been commended for my honesty and openness lately, which I appreciate, but really, I don't appreciate my honesty, I don't think it takes any effort to be honest, it takes way more energy to create and live a lie...
ANEMIA SUCKS!!! I dragged myself out of bed this morning, for the third morning in a row. I have played the snooze alarm game with my phone and I always win, by shutting it OFF, but really am losing in life. I'm doing everything right, exercising, sleeping, eating (although since I've been sleeping almost the same number of hours I'm awake, I can't get in that much food), breathing treatments, Cayston, keeping a positive attitude, writing and not letting fear get me down. Yet I am dragging, I rallied enough during the holidays and thought I had enough excitement to keep me going, but my blood says otherwise. It's not that I want to be anemic, it's just another thing I have to schedule, keep track of and compromise body functions for, its been the low priority health issue, but today I kicked myself in the rear to swallow my pride and distress over the cost to help alleviate anemia and hopefully make me a better person. Who knew anemia made you act badly.
The back story is, the past 6 months I've been dealing with all kinds of issues, one being my bowels, I've been constipated among other things, I've been trying to compensate and work with my body to help it out and I was not going to add iron pills in, that would worsen the constipation! Yes, we are that comfortable in this relationship to discuss this. Along with figuring out enzyme count, eating more volume of food, side affects of medicine, I've been playing with the balance of my digestive track. Uping the vitamin C and magnesium to the right levels is making my bowels work fine. I didn't like taking miralax so I had to find a natural way to help clean out my pipes. Bowel obstruction is a problem in CF, as with all my systems, I run on a very fine line. So I couldn't even think about iron because I wanted to relieve myself pleasantly. Also, the iron pills have to be timed right, you can't take them with calcium because they metabolize each other, I have to drink it with warm water and not eat a couple hours before or after. Hmmm let's figure out a time in the middle of the day when I can do that...NOT. I wish eating iron rich foods was enough, but anemia runs in my family and I have absorption issues. I discussed this my endo this past visit where she urged me to take this high dosage iron injection. It's like some special time release iron, that should last up to 6-12 months, I give it less than 6 because my body is going to suck it all up. I told her I would check with my insurance because it costs over $500 dollars and it sounds dangerous. She assured me its FDA approved and has had great success (um so have other things and people have died). Really I just haven't wanted to take the time to figure it out, but today's actions has lead me to conclude I need to suck up my pride and stop being so stubborn and take the damn injection because I'm tired of behaving the way I am.....
I wake up this morning an hour late (9ish) already hating myself and fretting what my mother will think. I begin my treatment, eat breakfast and sit down to study (thats for another post). After about an hour, I doze off and I awake to a phone call. Explicits release from my mouth and I go down stairs to make lunch because my mother will be home any minute. I avoid the caffeinated beverages, but desire to be more awake than I am. I proceed to eat while I am berated with questions about our tv and sound system. It hasn't been working properly and it is all on me to figure it out. Trying to keep the holiday spirit alive, I've avoided calling customer service because I don't want to yell at too many people at one time. My mom had to run errands and I found an excuse not to study and called up the cable company....1 1/2 later all I have is an appointment for a technician to come out to see if he can solve the problem ( I have to pay for because of a fail self-setup, thanks for telling me I'm a failure too cox) (but if its their equipment (which I'm guessing it is) they will not charge me for the visit) and off to yoga I go. I'm going to Yoga everyday this week because I can, I have the time and I want to test out as many classes before my unlimited membership expires and I have to decided what package to buy next....It was great, but I'm not focusing on the good things right now, this post is about all the bad things. I return home to see my dad on the phone and I realize my parents are listening to my uncle tell them the fate of my grandma's house selling (um its going to close, but the buyers are shady and we have to do things different..blah, blah, blah) just note the tension in the air. I already decided I was making dinner on the way home because I needed too and it probably hadn't been started. (Correct) I get out the pots and pans, turn on the stove to boil water for the vegetables, when I turn around and my mom has just placed Clorox bleach or Ajax all over the bottom of the sink. I say (she says I yelled) can you not put that in the sink when I am preparing food!!?!? (I have complained about this 30 + times this month), she immediately launches into an attack about how my father and I dump coffee (I don't drink coffee) down the sink and never rinse it, (Um I do a better job at the dishes than YOU, so I always leave the sink clean!) I say harshly (which I regret) I do not, can't you wait until after dinner? I got you this sink protector to help you not notice our groudy sink (the sink is white, its older and she claims it stains really easily) Stop nit picking.....and more yelling, accusing, harsh words, she asks the clincher, What's wrong???(have you not been listening to what is wrong?!?!) I try to say,you are the problem, I'm trying to make dinner and you are cleaning up...she digs her heels in and more fitting words, then I try to keep quiet, she won't shut up, so I storm up to my room. If you can't say anything nice don't say it!! Fast forward to my dad trying to keep the peace, a quick dinner, then me realizing I didn't do my 2nd cayston, I curse at myself because I have to stay up later to do the 3rd one, as I run up stairs, which brings me to now, where I would like to state this:
What's wrong? What's wrong with me? Why do I react to my mom like this, it's not what's wrong, it's what is on my mind, its being torn in a one hundred directions and all I see is I can't function well, I can't keep up with it all, its all falling apart in front of me while I try to keep myself together. I am upset that my energy is being sucked up by things I don't want to do and trying to save enough energy for things I want to do...Luckily the holidays provided enough of a distraction to keep my mind positive and work through my fears, to where I saw the light of day and thought my life was going well to letting myself be upset at the sad excuse I'm living....
1. I have to spend 3 freaking plus hours clearing, strengthening, protecting my lungs a day. I have to wake up from my dreamy wonderful sleep where I don't have to feel if it is a bad or good breathing day. I have to wake up to a reality that my health is still not as good as I want it to be aside from countless medical interventions. I have to plan out my day to fit in 3 cayston treatments, I have to keep every one's schedule in mind, organize my life by the second, remember to take all my vitamins, disinfect and clean all parts of the nebulizer, keep track of the timing of other medicine throughout the week, on top of general hygiene.
2. I have to keep up with reordering medicines every 25 days from 3 different pharmacy, keeping track of when a prescription runs out of refills. This week, one doctor didn't send in an order, and with the holidays, its all messed up, I am trying to get it before 2011 when my deductible rolls over.
3. My insurance, planning ahead for next year, trying to save money to pay for treatments I don't think work
4. Mom's eyes, she's been complaining about her eye sight, she is not happy and is frustrated and we are all upset, I feel completely out of control, I can do nothing for her, except try to comfort her and adjust my attitude toward her, which I am failing at because I'm letting myself get in the way, I am just asking for the same grace I want to extend to you.
5. our tv, I HATE technology, its takes up so much of my time, I just want it to work, not update it all the time, go through all the menus. I try to get something we can all enjoy and it has been a disaster. I've tried to teach them how to use it and it always is back on me to fix and I barely know what is going on because I don't have the energy to figure it out. When I do try to sit down and figure it out I'm questioned relentlessly.
6. I have to study for this exam and I've found out I probably don't have enough information to study for and review for the test. I'm confused and at the moment I don't have the energy to seek it out. Actually I don't even want to study for this exam, I hate studying, I hate trying to prove myself on tests, I suck at tests.
7. I need to gain more weight, I'm done again and since I'm exercising more I have to CONSUME
8. I have a stack of papers, letters to write, people to keep up with and it is just overwhelming, I don't have the energy to give. NYE's plans are looming, I hate this holiday, I'm avoiding plans and figuring it out, at the moment I don't want to do anything because all I want to do is crawl under the covers and not feel or think ANYTHING
Ok I'm done feeling sorry for myself and ranting about it. Tomorrow is another day...
ANEMIA SUCKS!!! I dragged myself out of bed this morning, for the third morning in a row. I have played the snooze alarm game with my phone and I always win, by shutting it OFF, but really am losing in life. I'm doing everything right, exercising, sleeping, eating (although since I've been sleeping almost the same number of hours I'm awake, I can't get in that much food), breathing treatments, Cayston, keeping a positive attitude, writing and not letting fear get me down. Yet I am dragging, I rallied enough during the holidays and thought I had enough excitement to keep me going, but my blood says otherwise. It's not that I want to be anemic, it's just another thing I have to schedule, keep track of and compromise body functions for, its been the low priority health issue, but today I kicked myself in the rear to swallow my pride and distress over the cost to help alleviate anemia and hopefully make me a better person. Who knew anemia made you act badly.
The back story is, the past 6 months I've been dealing with all kinds of issues, one being my bowels, I've been constipated among other things, I've been trying to compensate and work with my body to help it out and I was not going to add iron pills in, that would worsen the constipation! Yes, we are that comfortable in this relationship to discuss this. Along with figuring out enzyme count, eating more volume of food, side affects of medicine, I've been playing with the balance of my digestive track. Uping the vitamin C and magnesium to the right levels is making my bowels work fine. I didn't like taking miralax so I had to find a natural way to help clean out my pipes. Bowel obstruction is a problem in CF, as with all my systems, I run on a very fine line. So I couldn't even think about iron because I wanted to relieve myself pleasantly. Also, the iron pills have to be timed right, you can't take them with calcium because they metabolize each other, I have to drink it with warm water and not eat a couple hours before or after. Hmmm let's figure out a time in the middle of the day when I can do that...NOT. I wish eating iron rich foods was enough, but anemia runs in my family and I have absorption issues. I discussed this my endo this past visit where she urged me to take this high dosage iron injection. It's like some special time release iron, that should last up to 6-12 months, I give it less than 6 because my body is going to suck it all up. I told her I would check with my insurance because it costs over $500 dollars and it sounds dangerous. She assured me its FDA approved and has had great success (um so have other things and people have died). Really I just haven't wanted to take the time to figure it out, but today's actions has lead me to conclude I need to suck up my pride and stop being so stubborn and take the damn injection because I'm tired of behaving the way I am.....
I wake up this morning an hour late (9ish) already hating myself and fretting what my mother will think. I begin my treatment, eat breakfast and sit down to study (thats for another post). After about an hour, I doze off and I awake to a phone call. Explicits release from my mouth and I go down stairs to make lunch because my mother will be home any minute. I avoid the caffeinated beverages, but desire to be more awake than I am. I proceed to eat while I am berated with questions about our tv and sound system. It hasn't been working properly and it is all on me to figure it out. Trying to keep the holiday spirit alive, I've avoided calling customer service because I don't want to yell at too many people at one time. My mom had to run errands and I found an excuse not to study and called up the cable company....1 1/2 later all I have is an appointment for a technician to come out to see if he can solve the problem ( I have to pay for because of a fail self-setup, thanks for telling me I'm a failure too cox) (but if its their equipment (which I'm guessing it is) they will not charge me for the visit) and off to yoga I go. I'm going to Yoga everyday this week because I can, I have the time and I want to test out as many classes before my unlimited membership expires and I have to decided what package to buy next....It was great, but I'm not focusing on the good things right now, this post is about all the bad things. I return home to see my dad on the phone and I realize my parents are listening to my uncle tell them the fate of my grandma's house selling (um its going to close, but the buyers are shady and we have to do things different..blah, blah, blah) just note the tension in the air. I already decided I was making dinner on the way home because I needed too and it probably hadn't been started. (Correct) I get out the pots and pans, turn on the stove to boil water for the vegetables, when I turn around and my mom has just placed Clorox bleach or Ajax all over the bottom of the sink. I say (she says I yelled) can you not put that in the sink when I am preparing food!!?!? (I have complained about this 30 + times this month), she immediately launches into an attack about how my father and I dump coffee (I don't drink coffee) down the sink and never rinse it, (Um I do a better job at the dishes than YOU, so I always leave the sink clean!) I say harshly (which I regret) I do not, can't you wait until after dinner? I got you this sink protector to help you not notice our groudy sink (the sink is white, its older and she claims it stains really easily) Stop nit picking.....and more yelling, accusing, harsh words, she asks the clincher, What's wrong???(have you not been listening to what is wrong?!?!) I try to say,you are the problem, I'm trying to make dinner and you are cleaning up...she digs her heels in and more fitting words, then I try to keep quiet, she won't shut up, so I storm up to my room. If you can't say anything nice don't say it!! Fast forward to my dad trying to keep the peace, a quick dinner, then me realizing I didn't do my 2nd cayston, I curse at myself because I have to stay up later to do the 3rd one, as I run up stairs, which brings me to now, where I would like to state this:
What's wrong? What's wrong with me? Why do I react to my mom like this, it's not what's wrong, it's what is on my mind, its being torn in a one hundred directions and all I see is I can't function well, I can't keep up with it all, its all falling apart in front of me while I try to keep myself together. I am upset that my energy is being sucked up by things I don't want to do and trying to save enough energy for things I want to do...Luckily the holidays provided enough of a distraction to keep my mind positive and work through my fears, to where I saw the light of day and thought my life was going well to letting myself be upset at the sad excuse I'm living....
1. I have to spend 3 freaking plus hours clearing, strengthening, protecting my lungs a day. I have to wake up from my dreamy wonderful sleep where I don't have to feel if it is a bad or good breathing day. I have to wake up to a reality that my health is still not as good as I want it to be aside from countless medical interventions. I have to plan out my day to fit in 3 cayston treatments, I have to keep every one's schedule in mind, organize my life by the second, remember to take all my vitamins, disinfect and clean all parts of the nebulizer, keep track of the timing of other medicine throughout the week, on top of general hygiene.
2. I have to keep up with reordering medicines every 25 days from 3 different pharmacy, keeping track of when a prescription runs out of refills. This week, one doctor didn't send in an order, and with the holidays, its all messed up, I am trying to get it before 2011 when my deductible rolls over.
3. My insurance, planning ahead for next year, trying to save money to pay for treatments I don't think work
4. Mom's eyes, she's been complaining about her eye sight, she is not happy and is frustrated and we are all upset, I feel completely out of control, I can do nothing for her, except try to comfort her and adjust my attitude toward her, which I am failing at because I'm letting myself get in the way, I am just asking for the same grace I want to extend to you.
5. our tv, I HATE technology, its takes up so much of my time, I just want it to work, not update it all the time, go through all the menus. I try to get something we can all enjoy and it has been a disaster. I've tried to teach them how to use it and it always is back on me to fix and I barely know what is going on because I don't have the energy to figure it out. When I do try to sit down and figure it out I'm questioned relentlessly.
6. I have to study for this exam and I've found out I probably don't have enough information to study for and review for the test. I'm confused and at the moment I don't have the energy to seek it out. Actually I don't even want to study for this exam, I hate studying, I hate trying to prove myself on tests, I suck at tests.
7. I need to gain more weight, I'm done again and since I'm exercising more I have to CONSUME
8. I have a stack of papers, letters to write, people to keep up with and it is just overwhelming, I don't have the energy to give. NYE's plans are looming, I hate this holiday, I'm avoiding plans and figuring it out, at the moment I don't want to do anything because all I want to do is crawl under the covers and not feel or think ANYTHING
Ok I'm done feeling sorry for myself and ranting about it. Tomorrow is another day...