Fear

I've self-diagnosed myself with my underlying problem, FEAR. I started Colistin today and I broke down in the process. See Colistin comes in a powder form that you mix with 2 ml sterile water and 2 ml of .9% saline. You must use a syringe to draw up the liquid and then transfer it to the Colistin, to make a liquid form to inhale. I had to get a specific nebulizer cup that delivers the drug more efficiently. Which has taken a month to track down. I still wasn't fully prepared to use this medication because I didn't have the saline in the right container. I called the pharmacist to make sure I could use saline I had in plastic vials, which I could use until they could send me the correct ones. Oh tomorrow I will chronicle my adventure with incompetence. Enough said I've been overwhelmed by this process.

It is quiet tricky to mix this medication that I must do after my 30 minutes of Vest. Now making my treatments well over an hour. As I pushed the syringe through the bottles, thinking, don't mind me who has limited time anyway...And that is where I began to fall apart, trying to adjust to the new situation, here is more time being devoted to my care and the more difficult. One more step keeping me from going outside in the morning. I fear time, how much time do I have left, how much time to spend, am I using my time wisely, who gets my time, where should my time be spent, did I waste my time and the list goes on. I view Colistin as time is running out. My CF is getting worse and my time is directed more on taking care of myself. Its not so much death that I fear, but not having the time to experience life. It's acknowledging I can't do this by myself and I must be tougher. So I sat there inhaling this medicine, crying and letting my mind process the situation. I'm really good at viewing a situation from the most extreme and working backwards. My mind went straight for, lifelessness, only existing and not living, all time consumed with taking medications because my lungs aren't capable of their job. Round the clock breathing treatments, being on oxygen, barely being able to laugh or sing and having people watch over me all the time. As CF progresses more aggressive treatments are done. It just happens one drug at a time and there is no turning back. No one knows when this end of life stage will occur, but each new drug I take, the closer it comes for me. In the past 6 years, I went from 1 inhaled medication to 4. I found my threshold, I'm upset over using 4 inhaled medications. I feel like a coward, 21 years of barely doing medical treatments and I'm all courageous and ready for a fight. Now met with a little adversity, I'm turning into a Pansie.That is nothing compared to what is to come. How am I going to deal with more? Then I ask myself, why, why concern yourself with such a far foreseen future? Why punish yourself today when no harm is being done? Why not look to a bright future, better medications, maybe less if they are more effective and even a cure. Why don't I look at the situation as what I do today could hold off the bad future longer? Because then I would be hopeful, I would be giving myself a chance and for some reason, fear and worry are much easier to produce.

Commence Fear-Party

I should be grateful for 21 years of having no adverse affects of cystic fibrosis. Let's hope it takes that long for another change. In this phase, I have to use more drugs, its like adjusting from middle school to high school. Its so exciting to have drugs that will help deal with this new change. How fortunate am I to be financially able to have these medications, to take advantage of scientific achievement and able to interact with those that are willing to fight this disease with me. Ugh sorry but being this positive right now is not as much fun as the torture I put myself through earlier. Although I feel a lot better being in this extreme.